Saturday, April 12, 2008

What Goes Around Comes Around

the wheel turns. the wheel of fortune. what goes around comes around. this is what they use to say. then i'm thinking about what i've done to upset the god of karma. i look at myself as an honest, fair, hard-worker girl. i've made a couple of big mistakes and bad actions in my life, but i have the impression i can count them on the fingers of a hand: i was unfaithful to my former boyfriend and i've slept with my friend's boyfriend once. oh, and i've stolen something in a flea market when i was 14.
i don't know if it has to do with the small things of our daily life: i have not left the tips to the waiter at the fast-food, i've stolen a taxi to some pilipinos waiting since longer, i'm rude on the phone when people don't understand what i say.
but i think that all those things are related to the situation i'm in. yesterday (thursday) i've met F. in Marina Mall and she told me that i'm stressed and i really need to relax. of course i'm stressed!
and all those talks about buying designer shoes in an outlet for 500 AED or going to dance in dubai or waterskiing or going to the spa was got on my nerves even more. it's easy being relaxed while earning 6,000 AED without having to think about your rent or your transportation.
for me it's a bit different, let's say is a kind of that old punk slogan. Produce. Consume. Die. and have no time for pleasures.
i don't think i need advices from someone to whom i've taught what living here meant. i still remeber when, after 7 months that i was here alone without seeing my family not even in picture, i "confessed" that i missed my family and that this kind of life was hard and she told me that this means being adults and that i cannot always lean on my family whenever i feel like doing it because it's not mature. and then, after 3 weeks that she came back from italy, she told me: "oh, y' know my parents are coming for easter. i miss my family so much. it's hard working here alone and being so far from your parents…" oh, no, i don't know what you are talking about: i have no feelings.

i feel pity for myself. i mean: i was so lucky that i had all the blessings one could have (and i thank god or his deputy CEO for this). i was born healthy. i was born in a free, rich, democratic western european country. i never had to face poverty, hunger, war, diseases in my life. not directly, i mean. i was born in a middle class family with enough money to provide me with a good education and a more than decent standard of living. i have always had all the moral support of my parents for everything i've done. almost all the people that i've known in 25 years of useless life (especially people older than me) think that i'm very smart and talented.
so now i feel that i'm throwing away all these blessings.
for what? nothing. at least, nothing that worths it.

independence maybe. but independence from what, if my happiness still depends on my family's recognition of my efforts?

Karma, please, give me an answer. What did I do wrong to you?
Looking forward to your kind reply,
Best Regards

Claudia Ciprietti
Life Disappointed

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